I Wanna Rock Your Body

dear ryan,
i'm only posting this here because it's nice to have my thoughts written. also, you will never read this.
we need to break up. completely. you didn't like it when i fucked another guy, so you turn around and start dating someone else. and you hide it from me. that makes no sense at all. we only have two options to remain in each others lives; either we salvage the bloody pieces that remain in our friendship and date other people, or we continue this...what we have and remain single, always afraid of what the other will think if we so much as talk to another person, while i figure out why i'm not in love with you. it can't be both, dude. so i propose this, but not to your face. you will never know this option. after we come back from camping, i take everything that belongs to me, and never see you again. we'll never have to lie to one another again. i hate that option, i cry every time i think of it, but it's for the best. for the both of us. i don't want to know your bitch's name nor do i want to meet her. i'll never tell you if i'm with another guy. so let's part ways and just end this nonsense.
remember, i'll always love you. but i'm not in love with you.
-kv

i can't make up my mind about someone. i've hurt him, i've dumped him. twice. he puts up with my shit--all my shit.
and now, i have found shame.

I've never been one to fear much, but I've rediscovered a fear of mine: failure.
It's never an option for me, but sometimes when I don't care that much, it happens (schoool). I'm nearing the end of my A.A. right now. I'm in the last stretch. It's over in 2 weeks. And I'm bugging out. I don't want to do this anymore, and I don't want to fail.
I let someone know that I liked him a while ago. He doesn't like me back.
FAIL.
I played nanny for a few weeks when I had no choice to and I didn't keep my eyes on the kids literally every second the way that the parents do and got an ear chewed off.
FAIL.
I missed the exam to one of my classes. I can still test out of it, but
FAIL.
I have a speech to give to an audience in a week that's 5-7 minutes long. We'll see how that goes...

I don't mean to complain when I say this, but I never thought of myself as the front desk person who works in an office. I've never wanted to be the person who has to get up at 5 or 6 in the morning, sit through (minor) cluster fucks on the road and end up putting in 10 hour shifts. That's not what I wanted for my job and I'm starting it so young.
Then again, my paycheck was almost 800 bucks and that's before I started working 40 hours a week.
I guess it'll work for a while.

I've been having nightmares lately. Really terrible dreams that make me gasp when they wake me up at 4 in the morning and I'm forced to stay up the remaining 2 hours in fear or in depression. Then again, I have been drinking this week..

i really wish i could figure out what i want in my life. for now and later. i'm focusing on a career now. i still don't know what i want to be. actually, i do. i wanna be fuckin everything. i've been offered a free education for dental assistant. that's a start. suppose...hygienist next? yeeah. clean teeth all day long.

I'm going to New Orleans!

i got a job!!!
2 jobs!!!!!

I'm at an all time low in my life. I'm unemployed. I'm not in school. I'm broke. I'm unsatisfied. I'm bored. But I'm the happiest that I've been in a while.

I
Love
Primus.
Sir Claypool will be at Echo in a few weeks. I'm so there.